5 Days to Go

It is 25th of January. 4 exams left, feeling a bit nervous coz I can predict 6 almost sleepless nights.

Can never make myself study something in advance. I do feel that February will bring changes, huge changes. Even 30th of January will clarify one important issue for me :) I am proud of myself coz I have overcome one little obstacle of my life, feeling ready to jump and dive in new stream.

Time is running out with every second wasted on living fake life. What is fake life? For me it is acting as others want or expect u to behave. Fake life is hiding ur feelings, being afraid to admit or share them. Fake life is following the stream. Being fake is being occupied with something u dont like at all and imitate pleasure u receive from it.

Fake means artificial. Artificial smile, artificial happiness.

Can't wait for spring to come. Fresh smells, bright colors, thunderstorms, air making u feel dizzy, and adventurism in blood.

1 month to go... I will face spring being 21 years old.

Can't believe it has already been 4 years since I have had high school prom...

Chemistry of Feelings and Instincts

So funny, life is so complicated, that is why, most probably, we like it..

Actually if there was be profile of LIFE on FB, it would have had the hugest fun club..

though some days the only wish I have in my heart is to discover meaning of life with all its complications, challenges and obstacles.

Sky is grey, it is raining, 4th of January, essay to be written, reading materials are all over my table and room.. Yeah, coming back to reality after New Year Celebrations. James Blunt suits my mood perfectly. Zebra should become my mascot :) Though I would prefer rainbow, coz life is so colorful, even though it seems to be very radical. One day it gives you happiness, another day is full of grief.

Haha, no, there is no grief- that's our mind, that's us who try to make up "bad days", "troubles" etc

:)

That's chemistry of our feelings and instincts..

He loves me, I do not, I like another one, another one doesn't like me.. So what?

Cry, Shout, Keep on Being Depressed?

F*ck off :)

No way, weakness is not fashionable :D

It seems to me that since I moved to Georgia whatever I do - I definitely do wrong and I have particular tendency to f**k up things.

Hah, wonderful,isn't it? Seems like my nickname should be Natural Disaster. Private life?? Haha, what a stupid notion. Does it exist?

I thought I am happy tonight. For the first time since April. I mean, I was happy when my niece was born but that was another feeling - LOVE.

I was fascinated with the evening which I have spent with 44 newbies and 2 TM members, I did enjoy their honesty, their flame, their enthusiasm and belief that we altogether can change this world in positive way... And then just couple of words, nothing special, just Georgian tradition of spoiling others' mood when yours is awful.. Though it is not purely Georgian feature, most of people possess it. Since I came here, up to several hundreds times different people tried to show me or prove me that they are smarter, more experienced, more decisive, more adult, more and more and more. Let them be, I do not pretend to be Miss SuperGirl. Don't care at all.

Have you ever though of roots of evil in this world? I assume it is miscommunication.. All untold words do, for sure, create misunderstanding which leads in turn to anger, frustration and all over negative feelings. And it is a pity to admit that during last 3-4 months I have been changed a lot.

Not did I change myself, but external circumstances. I would never imagine myself being silent in the situation when I should scream and shout trying to convey message I want to say. Eventually, again kidding, joking, smiling, obscurity. Fine. Most probably this is what I deserve.

People here are so limited. They afraid to express themselves, bearing in mind killing me question: "What others will say?" Who are those others? Do they care? I mean, I would advise everyone to mind their own business - maybe then Georgia would recover after political and economic recession.

I certainly became more nervous and aggressive, I need my angels with me: my friends (would like to discuss religion in another post - will not risk right now)

Ohh, so many emotions boiling inside me, heating me from inside.

Do you see how much I need you right now?

Where will I finally be taken? Hopefully, not deadlock.

I was constantly fighting with other people's bad moods around, hating sour facial expressions and complaints. Oh my, do I become like them?

No, Anka Kerechashvili is about to come back, she only needs her friends next to her. My Friends, those who I adore. And no one dares to let me down. No f**king way, I promise. I was, I am and I will be from Kazakhstan, grown up and educated there.

Good Luck!

Just Emotions

I do not give a hell about you.

I do not care.

I am who I am.

There is nothing happened yet but I already feel we are doing wrong.

Maybe more honesty and decisiveness are needed?

I can't explain why and how but I feel so free now, no stupid thoughts, no explicit emotions.

I will not step in the same sh*t twice. Haha, though this is what I promised myself tens of times :)

But this is my life, and I am learning from my own mistakes. And I will never betray my rule of never regreting. Never regret of what you have done, just consider consequences of the steps first.

Do you know what do we live for? What do we hurry up for? Haha, isn't it funny to perceive life as a race towards grave? A bit pessimistic view but realistic at the same.

Ohhh, but do not try to blame me for not enjoying what I have or not being thankful to whoever allowed me to be born (huge respect to my parents :)))

Do you know why we spend nights getting ready for the exams?

So many WHY's..

Do I want to know answers? Do I need to know answers?

I do believe that life is nothing but constant pursuits of ourselves, our place in life. And pursuit of happiness is the main driver.

Does love exist? Or shakespeare has made it up? What a pity if it so...

"Have you ever loved?" Can I love more than once in my life?

What is love? Chemical reaction? Instinct? Necessity? Miracle?

It has to do with 2 persons.

I do know what does it mean to be amazed by a person, to be infatuated, to be blinded.

These feelings bring me inspiration, they drive me, they make me laugh, they make me upset but I only enjoy it.

This is my nature, I can't resist it.

L.O.V.E - uff, sometimes this word irritates me..

Wouldn't it be cool to get married secretly? Like going to registry hall or whatever it is called, leave signatures and become married: only 5 people involved in this adventure, 2 just married, bestmen and person taking care of the procedure...

No one knows: neither your parents nor friends..

But you have ring and belief and adrenaline.

I just wonder how long might it take?

What will be the legal procedures to get divorced?

Oh my, can't imagine reaction of my parents...

It is like an experiment: I want to know how it feels when everything is done in secret...

Hmmmm

My friends

It is such a wonderful feeling to realize that you have friends. Not just random people to hang out and play drinking games but those people who understand both you and your feelings even when you stay silent.
I cannot compare any of my friends with each other. Any single of them is unique and precious for me. They are the ones who support and motivate me, those people who believe in me and trust me, those people who, staying far far far far far away from me, make me perceive their love and their constant presence in my life.
They are so different, those whom I call my Friends. But in each of them I can always find one feature present in both of us. The result of merging of all my friends’ characters will be me, with their weaknesses and strengths. My friends love life, they are not afraid to laugh loud, to be themselves regardless of society’s expectations, they live the way they want to without harming others around.
I have met them in diverse circumstances, I have lived through various experiences with them, I have overcome obstacles strengthening our personalities, I have coped with difficulties standing back to back with them, I have argued with them trying to reveal truth.
They are always around whenever I decide to make dreadlocks, piercing or die my hair. Haha, have to admit, not all of them support me in this kind of decisions.
They are happy when I am happy; they give me pieces of their happiness when I feel blue.
Life brought me thousand kilometers away from my friends but it is not the end of our friendship, that is new start, that is new chapter of their visits here, to Georgia.
I could never guess how much I am addicted to them. How much they do mean to me. How much I would miss them. I could never expect txt messages received to my mobile phone to make me happy as though I got proposed.
I do love my family. But I am not sure if my family knows me to the same extent as my friends do.
I do value friendship. Life gives us 2 wonderful miracles: love and friendship. Friendship might be as hurtful as love, but it also make take us up to heaven.

Blue

It is raining outside, and I like the sound of drops on the roof.

It would be nice to dream when listening to them.

So many things happened today. And I got tired. There is a constant pressure on you even if you do not perceive it from the very beginning.

It comes from everywhere: family, friends, society. People expect so much from you. Haha, but, fortunately, I am just human being. Quite ordinary, nothing special, maybe I love people a bit more than they do me :D

I am just human being and that means I am making mistakes. Not every day hopefully. But making mistakes means I am alive and I am on right way. I am not heartless robot.

I never regret what I do, what I say, what I feel.

I do what I feel is right.

And I trust my intuition sometimes more than my logic.

Oh my gods, there are so many theories about male-female relationship. Haha, cool, I should have spent my whole life reading theories and never finding time to practice :D

Do you ever feel like not being understood? Do you ever feel life leaves you outside the mainstream?

Well, I believe even the strongest of our today world feel like that. I believe Bill Gates might have the same problem of getting irritated when something goes not just like he wanted everything to be.

Have to get up in 4 hours. Haha, being young is so wonderful: optimism, enthusiasm, energy, hope.

But tonight I am tired. And what person needs when he or she is tired is care. Word/gesture/touch/song/poem/sms/email. Whatever. To feel you are not forgotten.

And I want to be weak

But not every day

Just sometimes

To have a rest

And enjoy having someone stronger than I am close to me. Or maybe not that close.

Distance is relative

As everything in our world

so what?

Do you feel blue tonight?

Do you ask yourself rhethoric questions?

Come on!

Do not!

Just act!

Because life is so short, and you have so many things to discover and explore.

Are you afraid of mistakes? Noo, do not fool yourself, you most probably are afraid of people's opinion.

Do not be!

Haha, I have heard so many complaints and shouts about how I behave myself and how I treat my life but it is MY LIFE.

It is wild and crazy sometimes, it is stucked on the ground sometimes, but it is only mine.

And I am the one making lifeturning decisions

Though Shakespeare,haha, he almost managed to persuade me that once one more person would appear

I want to meet the whole woooooooooooooooorld

I want to get to know those people who amaze me